Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
You Might Also Like
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
This is a bad sign
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…