Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
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Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Dolls on drugs
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Not helping
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.