Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
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Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.