Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
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Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Life hack
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.