What about a To-Don’t List?
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
my fav colour is also hitler
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Swedish for common sense.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕