The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.