[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it