Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Word!
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
kitchen magnet
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My safe word is Worcestershire