Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife