kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD