If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
beware of dog
(jukin media)
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.