If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
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Finally!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
sir, my pâté if you please
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder