In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Welcome
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.