calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
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ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Something Saturday.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Why font matters.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?