I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
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Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
those birds must be on payroll
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
plums roundup
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring