I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on