Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
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cats when you pet them too long:
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.