If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
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*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My brain is a bad influence on me
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.