*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.