Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.