According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.