Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
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Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.