I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Anyone really
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.