Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.