I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
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*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Good morning, Twitter x
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”