My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme