I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”