me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
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Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Discuss
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.