I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?