Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk