Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Oh my God.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*