My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
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Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real