911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Somebody’s lying.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”