WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
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Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin