Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
channeling her this year
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.