If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
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Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
That’s it.I’m out.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!