[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
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[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭