Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
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The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT