[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon