If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
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Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
m’lady
Me if I was a dog
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.