i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
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Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving