Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.