scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
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I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Nothing to do, you say?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”