‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️