I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them