Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.