[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.