“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.