Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
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me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
he chose this
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.