sleeping beauty
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I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
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“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
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“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
All. The. Damn. Time.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.